project hail mary
“’Holy moly!’ I say. ‘Holy moly’? Is that my go-to expression of surprise? I mean, it’s okay, I guess. I would have expected something a little less 1950s. What kind of weirdo am I?”
Project Hail Mary
2/10
“’This is an international body of high-level scientists and political operatives that I have assembled to spearhead Project Hail Mary.’ ‘What’s that?’ ‘That would take a while to explain.’”
One of the most awful, boring, unfunny, and cringe-inducing books I’ve read in a long time.
This one was a struggle. When you’re experiencing the POV of an annoying and unlikeable narrator with very little character, beyond being annoying and unlikeable, of course it’s going to be a struggle. The book alternates between A and B plots, with the former describing a space mission to save Earth, and the B plot which details the events that preceded this space mission.
For the A plot, the annoying and unlikeable character, Dr Ryland Grace, wakes up alone on spaceship. His crewmates are dead and he has no memory of why he’s there or who he is, but slowly figures this out through ‘flashbacks’ (this is the B plot). Readers learn that he has a passion for being a schoolteacher. Ryland quit academia after one of his publications about water not being necessary for life was poorly received by scholars. “It had taken me years to cultivate a rep as the ‘cool’ teacher. Kids are smarter than most people think. And they can tell when a teacher actually cares about them as opposed to when they’re just going through the motions.” And that’s about it. Don’t worry, this is WILL be important for the ATROCIOUS ending.
For the B plot: oh no! The Earth’s sun is being destroyed by single-celled organisms called Astrophage and Dr Ryland Grace is helping to prepare a crew to go to another galaxy’s sun (called Tau Ceti), which isn’t being effected by Astrophage, to learn why this is the case and how they can be stopped before all life on Earth dies.
In space, Ryland meets and befriends an alien that he calls ‘Rocky’ (because he looks like he’s made of rocks). Rocky is also visiting Tau Ceti to learn how he can stop the Astrophage to save his planet, which Ryland christens Erid. Rocky communicates using “Just notes. Like whale song. Except not quite like whale song, because there were several at once. Whale chords, I guess.” And they develop a way to communicate with each other.
Prior to the Project Hail Mary mission to save Earth, Ryland is working with an obnoxious woman called Ms Stratt. She has essentially been granted complete authority and autonomy by global governments to do as she wishes with regard to saving the planet. In one section, where she appears in court about the use of copyrighted material on the mission, she decides that she is going to leave the courtroom. “’Hold on, Ms. Stratt,’ said Justice Spencer. ‘This is still a court of law, and you will remain for the duration of these proceedings!’ ‘No, I won’t,’ said Stratt. The bailiff walked forward. ‘Ma’am. I’ll have to restrain you if you don’t comply.’ ‘You and what army?’ Stratt asked. Five armed men in military fatigues entered the courtroom and took up station around her. ‘Because I have the U.S. Army,’ she said. ‘And that’s a damn fine army.’” Sure. I get that she’s supposed to be an unlikeable character, but this dialogue had me groaning.
Ryland and Rocky find some amoeba, which Ryland names ‘Taumoeba’ (geddit, because he finds them near the star Tau Ceti), that eat the Astrophage and have the potential to save Earth and Erid’s suns. When they encounter some issues, Rocky sacrifices himself to save Ryland and it looks like he’s dead. “’Rocky! What have you done!’ The crazy bastard must have used the large airlock in the dormitory! He came into my partition to save me. And he’ll die because of it! He shivers and folds his legs under himself. ‘Save … Earth … Save … Erid …’ he quavers. Then he slumps down. ‘Rocky!’ I grab his carapace without thinking. It’s like putting my hands on a burner. I jerk away. ‘Rocky … no …’ But he is motionless.” I was hoping it would stay that way, but Rocky makes a full recovery. And it’s a good thing he did so that he could make a crass new engine. “’Taumoeba turn Astrophage into methane. React with oxygen. Make fire. Make thrust. Get to my ship. Much Astrophage there.’ ‘That’s … not a bad idea.’ I pinch my chin. ‘Use Taumoeba farts to propel ourselves through space.’ ‘No understand word after Taumoeba.’”
Back in the A plot, an attempt at characterisation is being made. Instead, of this being obvious to the reader through the text, it is explicitly spelled out in dialogue between Stratt and Ryland. “’Do you think I don’t know you, Dr. Grace?!’ she yelled. ‘You’re a coward and you always have been. You abandoned a promising scientific career because people didn’t like a paper you wrote. You retreated to the safety of children who worship you for being the cool teacher. You don’t have a romantic partner in your life because that would mean you might suffer heartbreak. You avoid risk like the plague.’ I stood up. ‘Okay, it’s true! I’m afraid! I don’t want to die!..’” Even though this isn’t very good, this is the best section of the book. Ryland comes face to face with his motivations for doing what he does and there is a horror movie-style plot twist, where Ms Stratt sends him on space mission without his consent. “’Don’t you think Yáo will be a little suspicious about that?’ ‘I’ll explain to Commander Yáo and Specialist Ilyukhina that, due to limited astronaut training, you were worried that you’d panic during the launch so you elected to be unconscious for it. Once aboard the Hail Mary, Yáo and Ilyukhina will secure you into your medical bed and start your coma procedure. They’ll take care of all the pre-launch prep from there. You’ll wake up at Tau Ceti.’ The first seeds of panic started to grow. This lunacy might actually work. ‘No! You can’t do that! I won’t do it! This is insane!’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘Believe it or not, Dr. Grace, I kind of like you. I don’t respect you very much, but I do think you’re a fundamentally good man.’ ‘Easy for you to say when you’re not the one being murdered! You’re murdering me!’ Tears rolled down my face. ‘I don’t want to die! Don’t send me off to die! Please!’” Ryland’s memory issues are explained by Ms Stratt giving him “…a drug that causes retrograde amnesia that lasts for long periods of time. Not just hours or days, but weeks… Your med bed will give you a nice dose of it before you wake up. You and your crewmates will just assume it’s a side effect…”’
Ryland and Rocky have an emotional farewell and they return to their respective planets as saviours. “’You will miss me, question? I will miss you. You are friend.’ ‘Yeah. I’m going to miss you.’ I take another swig of vodka. ‘You’re my friend. Heck, you’re my best friend.’” However, this farewell doesn’t last for too long as Ryland realises that Taumoeba can escape Rocky’s containment, will eat his Astrophage fuel, and prevent him from returning to Erid. “So that’s what I’m left with. Option 1: Go home a hero and save all of humanity. Option 2: Go to Erid, save an alien species, and starve to death shortly after.” Ryland uses some transport equipment to send the Taumoeba back to Earth and chooses to go rescue Rocky.
And then we get to what may be the worst ending to any book that I’ve ever read in my life. I didn’t know whether to laugh at how silly it was or cry for all the time I wasted with this snooze-athon. Flash forward to the future. Ryland is living on Erid “…in a big dome in the middle of one of their ‘cities.’… Thirty Eridians outside the dome maintain my life-support systems, or so I’m told… I grab my cane and head out. I’m not a young man anymore, and the high gravity of Erid has only made my bones degenerate faster. I think I’m fifty-three years old now, but I’m not sure. I’ve done a lot of time-dilated travel. I can accurately say seventy-one years have gone by on Earth since I was born, for what it’s worth… I make my way along the gravel pathway to one of the many ‘meeting’ rooms at the dome’s wall. Eridians value face-to-carapace communication as much as humans do, and this is a good compromise.” He learns from Rocky that “Sol—Earth’s sun—has returned to its pre-Astrophage brightness”, meaning that the Earth is saved! Woo hoo! And the book concludes with Ryland going to work as a school teacher for young Eridians. “An Earthlike organ keyboard sits in the center of my area, oriented such that the operator faces the kids. The organ has quite a few more options than a typical keyboard found on Earth. I can apply inflection, tone, mood, and all the other little intricacies of spoken language. I settle into the comfortable chair, crack my knuckles, and start the class. “All right, all right,” I play. “Everyone settle down and get in your seats.” They scamper to their assigned desks and sit quietly, ready for the lesson to begin.”
The two most major issues with the book are how boring it is and the unfunny comedy. Yeah. Sure. Comedy is subjective, but who is laughing at this? “That’s an alien. I just saw an alien. Not just an alien ship. An alien being. I mean—just his claw—er … hand. But yeah. Well, I say ‘his hand,’ but maybe it’s her hand. Or some other pronoun I don’t have a word for. They might have seventeen biological sexes, for all I know. Or none. No one ever talks about the really hard parts of first contact with intelligent alien life: pronouns. I’m going to go with ‘he’ for now, because it just seems rude to call a thinking being ‘it.’ Also, until I hear otherwise, his name is Rocky.”
I’d rather all life on Earth die than be forced to read the following howling unfunny exchange between Ryland and Rocky trying to communicate with each other. “I ball my fists and tap them together. ‘No.’ ‘♫♩,’ he says. I check the laptop. He just said yes. Wait. Does that mean it’s not no? Is that another yes? Now I’m confused. ‘No?’ I ask ‘No,’ he says in Eridian. ‘So, ‘yes’?’ ‘No, yes.’ ‘Yes?’ ‘No. No.’ ‘Yes, yes?’ ‘No!’ He balls a fist at me, clearly frustrated. Enough of this interspecies Abbott and Costello routine. I hold up a finger.”
Some of the jokes were on the level of an episode of The Big Bang Theory. “’I have been well, thank you. Dr. Shapiro and I have begun a sexual relationship.’ I paused. ‘Um. Okay.’ ‘I thought it prudent to inform you.’… ‘We live in bleak times,’ I said. He folded his hands in front of him. ‘Dr. Shapiro and I do not see it that way. We are enjoying very active sexual encounters.’ ‘Yeah, okay, I don’t need to know—‘… They both looked to me, ready for their lesson. I waited a few seconds to make sure there was no more oversharing, but they seemed content… “Okay, so the Krebs cycle in Astrophage has a variant—wait. Do you call her Dr. Shapiro while having sex?” “Of course. That’s her name.’” This is a textbook case of a dummy trying to write what they think an intelligent person is like.
The Astro Gipper
“‘All I see when I close my eyes is Rocky’s dumb carapace and his little arms always fidgeting with something.”
