The Pumpkin Spice Café

The entire town loves or “sort of has a soft spot” for Logan. “His dad left before he was born, and his mom died when we were kids. The whole town sort of adopted him after that”. Logan lives with his grandparents and, last year, had his heart broken by a woman named Lucy. He publicly proposed to her at the Christmas-tree lighting ceremony. “He had dropped to his knee, pulled out the ring and the entire crowd went eerily quiet. He should have noticed the alarmed look on Lucy’s face. It wasn’t the look of a woman about to say yes. It was the look of a woman ready to flee. And that’s just what she did.”

Lucy didn’t like small-town life. “She hated the farm, thought it was too smelly, too dirty, too old.” This woman liked “big and bold, loud and flashy”. Consequently, Logan is suspicious of Jeanie, thinking that she’s not cut out for the kind of life he wants. “Logan absolutely could not get involved with someone who had one foot out the door. Again. No more dating flight risks. No more dating with the town watching.” Readers are reminded of this countless times. “He’d be damned if he fell for another woman who was only passing through. He was done with people who used his town, his life, as some sort of pit stop on their soul-searching tour.” We got it.

As the book progresses, Jeanie and Logan become closer and begin a secretive relationship. There are several misunderstandings between them, where Logan thinks that Jeanie is not planning on sticking around, and she thinks that Logan is not interested in her as a romantic prospect. It’s a bit tedious. The most egregious of these is following the first time that they are intimate and Logan notices real estate listings that Jeanie was given by a pushy realtor. “He saw the astronomical amount of money Jeanie could sell this building for. She could do so much with that amount of money. Reinvent her life entirely. Find her own dream instead of recycling her aunt’s. She could leave and never look back.” The misunderstandings are all totally contrived and manufactured drama.

The second of the central mysteries in the text is who is sabotaging The Pumpkin Spice Café? This is a Scooby Doo-type plotline, where it is suggested that the pub owner, Mac Sullivan, is trying to scare Jeanie away because he “He’s wanted to expand the pub since he bought it last year. I heard he made an offer to Dot for the café, but she turned him down”. This sabotage increases in severity, from overturned trash bins; desecrated flowerpots; “her mail strewn all over the sidewalk”; a window is broken; “The refrigerator was unplugged the other day. We almost lost all the milk! And then there was a whole morning when the cappuccino machine kept breaking, like over and over again even after we fixed it”; “I even thought someone had stolen some of the artwork from the walls, until I found it stashed in a supply closet”; “the dishwasher was broken. The guy that came to fix it said someone had cut some wires in the back”. Despite it being painfully obvious that it is an inside job, Jeanie doesn’t suspect the unbelievably obvious Norman until the very last possible second. “She’d solved the mystery of who was causing all the problems; or rather, the mystery had anticlimactically solved itself.” Jeanie says to Norman, “’why on earth would you do it? I thought you loved the café?’ ‘I do.’ He winced. ‘I do love it and I wanted to buy it, but your aunt wouldn’t sell it to me.’ Wait, what? Norman wanted to buy the café. ‘Really?’ ‘Yes. She said you needed it more.’”

In the course of the text, Jeanie finds out about the declined proposal incident with Lucy and makes it explicit to Logan that she plans to stick around. Logan faces his fears about being embarrassed in front of the town and publicises his relationship with Jeanie, addressing her concerns about how committed to her he is. “‘You need to deal with your abandonment issues,’ Hazel added, sipping her tea… ‘Logan, your dad left when you were a baby, your mother died when you were a child, and your one serious, adult relationship ended when she left you. I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on here.’” I guess you could call these character arcs, and something the book must be praised for.

In a grand gesture scene towards the close of the novel, Logan loudly and publicly professes his love for Jeanie with these pathetic words, “’I want the Jeanie that almost decapitated me, I want the one who believes in ghosts, the one who talks to my chickens and runs through the rain to chase a farmers’ market tent. I meant it the other night, I like you messy, Jeanie.’ He stepped closer. ‘I like you every way. I like you in your buttoned-up blouses talking at town meetings. I like you when your hair is spilling down around you and you’re wearing that ratty old cardigan. I like wiping away your tears; and your laugh is my favorite sound… I’m in love with you, Jeanie.’ The words coasted over her skin, warm and sweet.” “‘I love this woman,’ he announced gruffly, like he was expecting someone to fight him on it… ‘We already knew that!’ Linda yelled from the back, breaking the silence. Laughter and cheers and a few whistles rose up in the café.”

In the denouement, Jeanie’s aunt Dot returns and confronts Norman about his attempts to sabotage The Pumpkin Spice Café. Norman says that “‘I was hurt… When you left, I thought, well, after all these years working together, I thought it just made sense for me to buy the café. That I should take it over for you.’” Dot replies that Norman should have come with her on her travels instead. “Norman blinked, his mouth opening and closing before words finally escaped. ‘Dorothy … I don’t understand?’ Her aunt let out a long sigh. ‘Of course, you don’t. I suppose that’s half my fault. But the reason I didn’t leave you the café was because I hoped you might retire, also, and that we could … we could finally…’ Dot’s words trailed off as Norman sank down into the nearest chair.” Anyway, it turns out that Dot and Norman were both in love with each other for many years and neither of them had expressed it. “‘I should have told you sooner,’ she said. ‘But I was afraid, I guess.’ ‘Afraid of what?’ She shrugged. ‘That you wouldn’t love me back.’ Norman shook his head. ‘Impossible.’”

Ultimately, it is confirmed to Logan that “Jeanie was staying. But even if she didn’t, he was still worthy as a person. Or so his new therapist liked to tell him. He was working on untangling his issues once a week with Dr. Stephens and Jeanie was adapting to her new life, but most importantly they were doing it side by side.”

Though the novel was agonisingly predictable, e.g., the cat, Norman the saboteur, Norman and Dot, Jeanie and Logan getting together, etc., I made a prediction in my notes that never came to pass. Logan’s ‘lost father’ is referred to several times by characters and I anticipated that he would show up to cause some drama. This never happened.

I’m also obligated to praise the novel for having at least one interesting idea. In the course of the text, it was fascinating to see some self-doubt by Jeanie. “She could clearly see what he had to offer her. It was obvious. But what did she have to offer in return? A pile of insecurities about running this café; an undercurrent of anxiety that she’d made the wrong choice moving here; too much chatter, not enough listening – and a tendency to jump to the worst-case scenario in all scenarios.” Great self-reflection from Jeanie to have identified these characteristics and issues, though most of them are not addressed or referred to again.

The text is definitely a Halloween book and contains some nice descriptions of Logan as a child enjoying the Fall Festival. “a whole crew of kids high on too much candy and donuts, in partial costumes they’d shed throughout the day. He loved how early it got dark, how high and hot the bonfire grew, how the whole night felt cozy and spooky at once. Like he was safe here with his grandparents and his friends, but there still might be danger lurking just beyond the glow of the fire.” One wishes the novel had more seasonally appropriate material like this.

One might imagine that the Pumpkin Spice Café is a novelty pop-up type establishment that only opens around Halloween. Nevertheless, it is regarded as serious year-round establishment. “The Pumpkin Spice Café was the only decent coffee shop in town. If she didn’t get it up and running soon, people might have to resort to drinking the watered-down, burnt stuff they served at the gas station near the highway.” In the time after Dot has left and before Jeanie is running the place, Dream Harbor residents are really missing their coffee and apparently are not content with instant or are unable to brew decent coffee themselves. “Yeah! I can’t drink my wife’s weird herbal tea one more day!” Despite having no knowledge or experience of either running a business or making coffee, Jeanie makes a huge success of it.

Logan is a one-dimensional wish-fulfilment character that doesn’t really make much sense. On one hand, he’s big, tall, and strong. “She definitely didn’t stand there and admire his forearms flexing as he screwed the lock into her door. She certainly didn’t breathe deeper to get more of his fall-leaves-and-woodsmoke scent into her lungs.” “She grinned up at him. ‘These are really good abs,’ she said. ‘Like, I honestly didn’t know these were a real thing on real people.’” He doesn’t come across as intelligent or successful, but does have a soft side. “Seriously? He rescued animals, too? This guy was sure hiding a lot behind that beard and scowl. It made her really question her instincts, considering she initially thought he was a serial killer.” “Dear God, did Logan wear reading glasses?! She did not stand a freaking chance with this man. She might as well just hand over her panties right now.” Poor Logan is not a realistic man. He seems like a man written by a silly woman. For instance, he has an alpaca called ‘Harry Styles’ and chickens called “…Taylor, Rihanna, Lizzo.’ He pointed to the three chickens in her lap. ‘That’s Lady Gaga and Britney over there. And this is Selena trying to climb on your head.’” No self-respecting heterosexual man is naming animals in this way.

I had a good chuckle at Logan’s progressive granny. “You know I’m a cool grandma. One-night stands, friends with benefits, picking girls up at the bar. Nothing shocks me.” She asks Logan, “What’s got you in town until morning? A new lady friend. Or a gentleman friend. You know it doesn’t matter to me as long as you’re happy dear,’ she said with a smile, as she patted him on the arm and scooted past him into the kitchen.” Get real, Progressive Granny. You know that this man had his heart broken when his very public proposal to a woman was rejected not one year ago.

Later, when Logan and Jeanie are in seclusion for an extended lovemaking session celebrating the official start of their relationship, Progressive Granny appears again. “‘Do you kids want to come have some dinner?’ Nana’s voice came through the door loud and clear. ‘I cooked.’… ‘Okay, Nana. We’ll be over in a bit.’ ‘Wonderful! I’m sure you two worked up an appetite.’” Gross, Progressive Granny. Gross.

She can be contrasted with Hazel the prude. “‘Nope!’ Hazel held up her hands as though she could physically stop Jeanie’s words from reaching her. ‘No way. That’s where I draw the line. I cannot hear about Logan doing whatever it was you two were doing yesterday. Nope. Sorry.’ ‘Okay, okay. I won’t get into the details.’ ‘Thank you.’ ‘I’ll just say he was very good at it.’ ‘Agh!’ Hazel covered her ears and squeezed her eyes shut.”

The first time that Jeanie and Logan are intimate, the following happens, “She wanted more of him. She wanted all of him, in fact… She just wanted to be here with Logan in this one perfect moment on this one perfect day. So, the words that came out of her mouth weren’t big and emotional and important. Instead, they were practical. ‘Condoms are in the bathroom.’” Approximately two weeks later when they are intimate for a second time, things are very different. “He took himself out of his boxer briefs and slid against Jeanie’s soaking wet entrance. ‘Condom?’ he asked, his voice barely recognizable, his body shaking with restraint. ‘I went back on the pill.’ ‘Thank God,’ he sighed.” Logan being hysterically enthusiastic here.

In places, the quality of the writing in this novel is offensively awful, weak, and immature.

“It was like life was beating the crap out of her just for funsies.” Yep. Just for funsies.

“She’d wanted Logan to choose her for real. But somehow, she’d conveniently forgotten that she had to get her shit together, too. She shook her head like she could rid herself of these damn doubts.”

This sentence is like something written by a teenager. “For a small bookish woman, Hazel moved like a freaking ninja. He didn’t see the slap to the side of his head coming until her hand made contact with his skull.”

“Chickens made sense. Chickens didn’t pretend they loved you until you proposed in front of the whole damn town at the annual Christmas-tree lighting and then suddenly changed their mind.” What a great metaphor. Makes total sense.

This text would be something that the ‘book club’ featured in this novel would have loved. That’s if you can truly describe a group of fools reading only smutty romance novels as a book club. “They are going to come in here all hopped up on their latest smutty book, cackling like a coven of witches.” “They’d clearly moved on from his sad tale and were back to cackling about their latest read.” And as for the trash they read; “Jeanie made her way back over to the book club table. The tiny surface was covered in empty mugs and well-loved paperbacks with half-naked men on the covers.” “‘What did you read this week?’ Jeanie asked, settling into her seat. She picked up one of the books from the table. A very impressive male torso filled the front cover with the title Heat It Up scrawled across the center. The author was Veronica Penrose which Jeanie very much doubted was a real name, but she liked it anyway. ‘It’s a male-male hockey romance,’ Jacob told her, clearly excited about this week’s pick. ‘Enemies to lovers perfection. Highly recommend.’”

What they read is to literature, what McDonalds is to food.

Sadly, the book thinks that it’s being funny, when quite the opposite is the case. There are numerous examples of cringe and howlingly unfunny gags.

“Jeanie slept like a baby. And not one of those babies that’s up all night. Like a really impressive sleeping baby”

“A hint of woodsmoke and over-ripe apples drifted through the air. The whole place smelled like Logan. Someone should bottle it. Eau de Sexy Farmer. She stifled a giggle and followed Logan to a door at the side of the house.” Really? Jeanie stifled a giggle at this thought?

There were some curious moments in the novel that are difficult to understand.

When Jeanie goes to an auditorium in the town where a children’s ‘fall performance’ is planned, she questions the safety standards. “Jeanie pictured kids in costumes dancing around up there, waving to their parents in the audience. It would be adorable, she was sure. Although she did question the safety of putting children on a stage that old. Would those old wooden planks support them?”

Is this moment when Jeanie is being introduced to residents of Dream Harbor racist? Annie tells Jeanie about “the Sharmas, who just opened a new restaurant further down Main. They have the best tandoori chicken.” That’s a bit on the nose.

For a trashy read, the novel was very light on burns.

There is a burn on Progressive Granny’s cooking. “I got some stew in the crock pot,’ Nana asked, and Logan waited until her back was turned before he grimaced. He loved his grandmother, but her cooking was atrocious. Her crock pot was where food dreams went to die.”

Progressive Granny roasts a character called Pete, saying “That man is nuttier than a squirrel in spring.”

Jeanie and Logan engage in self-burns, with the former referring to herself as “the world’s biggest idiot” and the latter saying that “He was dumber than the damn goats.”

Finally, Jeanie is destroyed by Kaori who says, “‘Don’t tell us what?’…stepping into the living room from the bedroom. ‘That you’re a horrible slob. We already know and we still love you.’”

Happy Halloween from The Gipper

“‘Actually, you missed a pretty interesting literary conversation,’ Jeanie chimed in, reminding Logan of her presence. ‘It was not interesting.”.